I’ve been struggling a lot lately, coping with emotions like being overwhelmed, stressed out and sleep deprived. And of course the circumstances due to COVID makes it a lot harder. We still haven’t seen anyone since March.
Last night I was awake for 2 hours because Noah wouldn’t want to go back to sleep – again. Happens a lot lately.
So many thoughts were going through my mind and I was asking myself WHY am I so freaking exhausted – because of a little lack of sleep?!
Noah has been sleeping really good most of the time. Usually, I put him down and he falls asleep by himself (around 8:30 PM -ish). I get up once a night to nurse him and he usually goes back to sleep easily. Lately it has been challenging. He is going through a leap AND his teeth are bothering him.
Even though we do have a good routine it is changing constantly. Just when you think you have figured it out SOMETHING will change. Since he’s not my first child I should know the drill, right? – Well, not really, every child is different and it takes time and patience going through difficult phases.
Teething, developmental leap which can come with sleep regression, eating issues, being generally upset. Mark always says “Noah is GU” when he is cranky and unhappy, makes me laugh every time.
But STILL it’s so hard! I have to constantly remind myself when we’re in the middle of a rough season that it is TEMPORARY and it WILL pass.
I came up with a few things, just writing it down and visualize why I am having such a hard time – for me and maybe for you to come back and read through if you are struggling with the same issues or maybe to encourage you to write down your own list. It really helps me realizing that those feelings and issues are real and valid but temporary!
- I am so tired of being needed 24/7!
Nothing in the world makes me happier than seeing my kids happy. And I’d do anything for them. But being needed 24/7 is SO exhausting. My day – from the moment I get up until I go to sleep – is revolve around my kids and having your day planned around someone else all the time can really be frustrating. Especially, when you don’t have much time for yourself since I am a SAHM (aka Stay-at-home-mom) and my kids don’t go to daycare and we don’t have a nanny anymore it’s basically me and them all day until Mark is done with work.
- When “Me-Time” isn’t really “Me-time”!
Mark is spending some extra daddy-time with Noah and Raphael once a week to give me a little bit of a break. But this me-time usually isn’t really “selfcare-time”. Most of the time I end up cleaning, cooking, tidying up or doing other things that needs to be done. Or in the first place even just doing things like showering, going to the toilet, eating a meal without being interrupted.
- I can’t wait to have my body to myself!
That may sound selfish and it is hard to understand when you are not a mom yourself. I feel like Mark doesn’t really understand when I tell him “I can’t wait to have my body back for myself”. Not because he isn’t understanding or empathetic. Simply because he is not a mother. How could he understand how it is to “share” his body for several years, to change the diet for the well being of your child when he hasn’t gone through it himself. Even though my breastfeeding journey has been very positive, it still has its challenging moments. I am lucky that Noah has a good latch ever since he was born. Unfortunately my milk supply started dropping at around 4 months (which it did with Raphael too). I had to power pump 1.5 hours once a day for 2 weeks every evening after the kids went to bed. Also, Noah would just nurse while walking ever since he’s 4 months old, and nursing an 19 pounds baby while walking IS NOT FUN – on top of that he’s also teething, chewing on my nipples, refusing to nurse quite often and being GU. PLUS he has this bad habit to tweak my skin with his tiny strong hands while I nurse him, sometimes he’d push me away when the milk flow is too slow and being super upset about it. I remember how liberating it was to have my body back all to myself after nursing Raphael for over 1 year. It was a bittersweet moment because it happened so unexpectedly fast.
Even though it’s not always easy, I loved nursing Raphael, and I love nursing Noah.
- My body is tired. I am sleep deprived – period. Being overdramatic over here just because I am so under rested! I know the day will come when I don’t have to worry about sleep anymore but missing all those baby snuggles. But in the mean time I will complain about lack of sleep while soaking in all those precious moments -ha!
Nursing while walking, carrying Noah around and taking care of a 2.5 year old is no joke. And my body is just craving for a little bit more wellness, more sleep, more timeouts, more me-time. I feel like when I can’t get that time in, I snap more often and I’m being so much more impatient.
- I am having a hard time figuring out MY CREATIVE OUTLET!
When you are reading my blog for a while you know that my biggest passion pre-kids-life were dancing and modeling. I am convinced that everyone need a creative outlet to keep a healthy “work” life balance. But it is really hard to find something that is compatible with the kids schedule – a hobby which you can pick up fast and interrupt easily, something that is not too loud or too expensive and something that doesn’t bore you after the first few times. I always loved trying new things and there are so many things I still want to do. I hope I will find a passion that works with my mom schedule someday.
Personally. I think this is a big one. I love my kids, I love spending time with them and I love being there for them. I just need to have SOME time to take care of myself, to do what I love. To be me – as an individual, not as a mom. I am working hard on finding a good routine where I can fit in that “me-time” more often and regularly!