With you, everything was different.
We didn’t take a lot of bump pictures.
We didn’t buy a bunch of clothes.
We didn’t finish your nursery in the first trimester and we didn’t plan a baby party.
I had way less time and energy to focus on the details and sometimes time flew by so fast that I didn’t even know how far along I was in my pregnancy. Life was so much busier and the second pregnancy went by a lot faster, for sure. My body was tired and sore. I didn’t have the time to work out regularly and I was suffering from back pain because of carrying you and your brother around.
This time around, I wasn’t worried about how to change a diaper or how to rock you to sleep. I knew the mom 101. What I was worried about was that I couldn’t be there for you as much as I was there for your brother. I was wondering if I could ever be enough for you. I felt so much mom guilt because I knew that you wouldn’t get the attention you deserve. How could I manage to divide my time, energy, and love equally. I was afraid that I couldn’t do the juggling of being there for you and your brother; taking care of two babies.
You came 5 days early on the 7th of March 2020.
The moment I held you in my arms suddenly all of my fear faded away. Everything just made sense. That moment when I held you in my arms I knew that this place in my heart was always there for you, Noah. I didn’t have to make space in my heart for you because there was always a place in my heart for just you, even before we knew it.
You were perfect, looking at me with your squished face, and trying to get your first suck of milk. The amount of love that was pumping through my veins was unreal. Now I know that my love can double and that my heart is limitless. You have always been a part of us! This place was always meant to be yours. Finally holding you in my arms was pure magic. The smell of your skin, the smile on your face, and your tiny little hands holding on to mine; I hope I never forget how it feels when you fall asleep on my chest.
How could it be possible that 6 months have passed since you were born?! Time flew by so fast, but on the other hand it feels like you’ve been with us for so much longer. It’s as if you’ve been part of our family even before we knew you.
You’ve taught me how to juggle being a mom of two and handling the household without having massive meltdowns.
You’ve taught me to be patient, to slow down, and that it is okay to not be okay sometimes.
You’ve taught me that I don’t have to have it all figured out.
You’ve taught me to believe in myself and you’ve taught me that I am strong, capable, and fearless.
You’ve taught me what unconditional LOVE is.
Seeing you and Raphael together makes my heart explode. I can’t wait to see you both grow up together and spend as much time with you as I possibly can.
Noah – I love you more than I’ll ever be able to put into words. You are my second child but my love for you is limitless. You are my baby boy. My little one. I am so blessed to be your mother.
“I love you beyond pain, beyond melodies, beyond words. And I hope you will always feel that, even when I am not around to tell you so.” – Kiera Cass
Ich liebe dich unendlich, mein Baby!
Found that quote online and need to share because it fits perfectly:
“But more than anything, my love, you taught me that a heart is absolutely limitless in size, and that love is the antidote to fear.
So, it’s true.
You didn’t make me a mother. But you sure made me a better one.”
– Kendra Barnes
Click here to read my love letter to my first born!
Photos by Whitney Alexander Smith