I wrote this a few weeks ago, shortly after Noah was born. Being under quarantine with a newborn was really hard on me. And even though I enjoy having Mark around since he’s working from home, it’s an adjustment. On top of that our nanny isn’t able to help out until after the COVID-19 pandemic is over and it breaks my heart when Raphael asks for her or when he asks to see his friends.
“I feel so overwhelmed. But to be honest, “overwhelmed” doesn’t even describe how I feel. On some days I really don’t know how to do it. When both kids are crying and I didn’t sleep a ton, or not at all. When there’s no time to go to the bathroom or eat a proper meal. When my body is so exhausted and tired – I just wish I could pause life for a moment, to recharge and fill up my cup so that can take care of my family. Unfortunately it’s not that simple.
I feel mom guilt about Raphael at lot, especially in the first 2 weeks after Noah was born. The first week when Mark was still home Raphael was super attached to him which was good actually. I could take care of Noah without worrying about Raphael. But somehow I felt like I was letting him down because I couldn’t be there for him as much as before. Now I’m also feeling mom guilt about Noah. It’s not easy to split your attention and so hard to be there for both kids – 100 %. And they deserve it, SO MUCH. On some days I feel like I’m failing them when I can’t handle both at a time. It makes me feel really in-confident about my ability as a mother, to two kids. I know that I am giving my best and that IT IS enough. There will always be good and bad days. But being trapped at home and not being able to get help with a newborn is really exhausting. I feel blessed to have a home where I feel safe but it’s such a big adjustment with two kids.
I had a lot of fun activities and went to a lot of classes with Raphael. Just getting out of the house, being around other moms and toddlers, breaking up the mornings with play dates were so refreshing! And now with the social distancing guidelines we can’t even have friends over, and the most frustrating is not knowing when this crazy times will end! I was so looking forward to get out of the house and get myself some me-time, taking a yoga class or getting a massage or a pedicure while Meg (our Nanny) watches the kids. I know IT WILL happen – at some point. And I know I’m not the only one feeling that way but it’s still hard. And it feels so lonely sometimes. Those sleepless nights feel endless.
But then on the other site looking at those pictures makes my heart SO full. It is exhausting but yet the most wonderful thing in life – seeing Noah grow, seeing Raphael as a big brother, witnessing all those precious moments.
So… the only thing I can do is take one day at a time, stay strong but still acknowledge my feelings, let them happen and be okay with whatever I need to feel in that moment.
I can be strong but still need help.
I can let go and still wish things were different.
I can change for the better and still make mistakes along the way.
So my every day reminder to myself:
You are doing the best you can. Be kind to yourself!
We are in this together and we will get through it.
I can’t wait to have all my friends over for BBQ, when this is all over.
Until then – stay home and stay healthy!”